One last day...

Ah... it's 11:12 p.m. on the night before our last day of school before Christmas. Right now, at least. My entire family has arrived home (one on Saturday, the other two on Sunday) and it's really nice to spend time with them.

Alas, tomorrow promises to be one of the busiest days for quite some time! err. sort of. Before I go to bed, I have to memorize my piece (Non piu andrai) for the voice recital. Tomorrow, I have to get up early and remember to bring my Guys and Dolls tux then go to work because I couldn't go today. Then before school I have to make sure to turn in my permission slip so I can go to the movie (King Kong) because the senior class won the food drive (hurray!). Then I go to band and calc, but before calc I have to change into my Guys and Dolls tux. Then after calc we go perform for Guys and Dolls, Concert Choir, and Symphonic Band. Then we rush to the Exchange to perform for the Kiwanis club, then we rush back to catch the late bus to King Kong. After the movie I have to go back to work. Then at 7:00 p.m. I have choir practice for Christmas Eve 10:00 p.m. mass. And, of course, afterwards Sarah and I will have a lively discussion. It'll be fun. Actually, I just wrote that so I could remember it. Now onto what I really wanted to talk about:

Christmas
The tenseness between Sarah and I


let's go in reverse order, shall we?

Okay... I've been a little bothered by Sarah lately. Why? I have absolutely no idea! And that's what bugs me. Normally I can pinpoint why I act the way I do but I can't figure it out in this instance. Let's think... okay, I've got it narrowed down. They're (uh, somewhat obviously) traits I myself possess. It's a combination of gaucheness and insensitivity... but really they're the same thing in this case. Not to say Sarah's insensitive--rather that my problems with taking compliments leads me to believe she is... it's a complicated story, so let's get started.

During the choir concert the other night, I had a couple soloes, one of which I botched the end of by singing the wrong words... it wasn't real noticeable, but if you're looking for it, you'll find it. After the concert I saw her in the parking lot and I'm sure she first said, "great job on your soloes" or something. But I didn't hear it because I either discredited myself of it or absorbed it somehow to ease my rather injured sense of self. All I heard was, "I heard you screw up," in a rather blunt, jeering tone of voice. I know it was meant in good humor, but my mind didn't take it that way and I'm not sure how to convince my mind that it was taken that way... okay, correction. My emotions didn't take it that way, but my mind did. Acceptable.

And of course, knowing she will read this I feel bad because I know we would never do something intentionally to harm someone, so we are confused by this accusation of sorts. No, it's not an accusation. It's simply how I took it, and you don't need to be concerned about it... I'm just getting it out. So then, my problem is that I don't know when I'm being rude to people. correction: one of my many problems. This would correct the difference between theoretical and actual behavior that has been bugging me and bring me to insensitivity. I need to start reading people's emotions better. Yes, we think we're pretty good at it, but I'm really not. We used to have that weird thing where we thought we were pretty cool empaths. But I'm not. Or at least, in this case that assumption might turn out to be erroneous. This adds two needed areas of improvement--knowing one's friends and analyzing human faces in general. The in general part would be to classify people into different categories and know how they will each react to different situations and the knowing one's friends to know what type they are... I know an intimate, personal understanding of the way each friend works would be better, so spend more time with your friends also.

Next... we're a little too sarcastic for my taste. Especially to each other. This is relationship analysis, what we INTJ's excel at. If I am genuine I will know I am telling the genuine truth... but in part the sarcasm is used as a way to flesh out conversations and make up a richness in understanding that isn't there to help cover up the Introversion. So perhaps if our every day (church choir, band, pep band) conversations had more real value or importance, we would be able to talk at length without having to keep our distance using sarcasm.

That's all I can think about that right now before I fall asleep.

Christmas!
[brain shifts gears]
I have no idea what I'm getting... I'm hoping for lots of money so I can buy the computer asap, but presents are really cool too... and it's really unlikely my secret angel will mainly give me money. It's pretty much the most in-the-dark Christmas ever because I don't know what I'll be getting for Christmas or if I'll even be able to buy the laptop soon after. I just don't know! and that bugs me.

There's just something magical about that special night... maybe it's religion, maybe it's the tingle of crass materialism... but it's an amazing feeling. Oh, and I've decided O Holy Night and Silent Night are some of my favorite Christmas carols... teehee, I process slowly... my dad asked me that question more than six hours ago.

I will write more on this tomorrow (see the other blog for more), but I really need to go to bed or I will write some horrible cliche like "turn into a pumpkin." g'nacht.

Christmas is coming, the days are growing long (and short!)

I love Christmas! I love it so much time begins to slow down as December goes on.
It seems like the closer it gets to Christmas, the more I have to do every day! Today, I:
got up,
showered,
got to school late,
went to school (it was an early out),
had choir practice at lunch for Missa Luba,
went to work to make sterile toothpicks but found Amer had already done them,
came back to the school for a voice lesson, went home and ate lunch (and did the Teleport-Altep quest in FFXI [hooray! WHM 38!]),
went back to work,
went to an A.P. Calc study session (we have a test over all derivatives thus far tomorrow... we were confused over logarithmic differentiation and derivatives of arc-trig functions),
hurried to make a donation for our classes' food drive (we MUST win!),
went to choir practice,
talked with Sarah,
came home, and
updated my blog. Whew! Busy day for me. Yeah, I know, I'm pathetic.

Now to talk about my personal development. Flashback!

Am I as much of a hypocrite as I think I am? Do I really say hypothetically that I think a certain way but act another? It bugs me... I hate it when I have those hypothetical moral discussions then I see myself going against what I've said... is it that I lack self control or that I'm inconsistent in what I believe? I don't think it's inconsistency, so it must be that when I get excited moral values get thrown out the window (that sounded bad... I meant nothing of the sort). I don't want to not allow emotions to come into play... so should I ignore the problems, reduce the emotion, or reduce the response? The response is the most logical option. So... how to make myself stay grounded when I'm excited?

I think prayer would definitely help... and a generous helping of Buddhist mindfulness couldn't hurt either. Perhaps it's a lack of an established identity. I know who I am and I think I'm transmitting it, but perhaps I'm not. Or perhaps I'm incorrect in assuming that I know who I am. I will begin re-evaluations, of course, especially in social cases, where the most ambiguity of personality lies. I'll especially analyze how I deal with people when I'm making music, when I'm happy, sad, excited, or just emotional. I don't get emotional often, so this might take a while.

-start sequence.
Sequence initiated!

But don't step back too far or you'll alienate yourself from the people who have begun to draw you closer into their circles as they discover you're not the ass you used to be. Okay, I won't.

Now for the music dilemma...

Okay... I hate acting and singing at the same time. Emotion doesn't naturally come through on my face when I'm around people I don't know (I don't know why) so it's difficult for me to act, but when I'm singing and trying to remember the words and not totally botch things, acting just seems... like a falsehood. If I like the song I don't have a problem acting because my mind considers it a worthy endeavor. Is it, then, that when I don't like the song my mind doesn't consider learning and singing the song to be worthwhile? Surely every piece of music has lessons to teach. God bless Alison, my teacher... I had no idea I was so hard on her, so I'll have to not be so stubborn, but I can't allow myself to be pushed some way I don't want to go. I'm sure the recital will be fine. I'll probably memorize the music next Tuesday night, since the recital is Wednesday.

Anyway, yeah. That's my issue with acting. I'd better do my B-day homework now. Wish me luck on my A.P. Calc test!